Other elements of deep friendship include the ability to communicate what you enjoy about your friend. This doesn’t have to mean sitting down face-to-face, eyeball-to-eyeball, with, “You know, Tom, what I really like about you is ___, ____, and ____.” For most guys, for example, that would be wildly uncomfortable. We’ll tend to compliment what the friend has done, for example. “Wow, you did a great job on this deck…You didn’t seem nervous at all when you gave that speech…You really are the life of the party…” Or it can be through what you say about a friend, the friend being present, in a group setting. “I’m not able to memorize the movie scene by scene like Bob here…Naturally, Jim was pressing 200 pounds while I was struggling with 50…Our resident Scripture scholar here…” The ribbing that guys do with one another is a sure sign of affection, too. You know what the others like about you by what they give you the hardest time about.
With many women, often, direct compliments easily roll off of the tongue. That’s one of many reasons that women tend to make and keep friends more easily then men. “I love how you did up your house…That’s such a pretty dress…Your children are just angels…You’re such a good listener…I always feel like I can be at home with you…It’s so good to see you…” It’s amazing how well this “positive stroke fest” works among women, when for men it would just feel weird.
As any reader of this blog knows by now, I’m not a big fan of current Western pop culture. However, there’s at least one positive development (okay, there may be more than one). In the past several decades, families and friends much more readily say, “I love you”, “Love you”, “Love you, buddy”, or some permutation of those words when ending a phone call or saying goodbye in person. Even that can become formulaic, but there’s a warmth there that earlier generations weren’t comfortable with. Hugs among relatives and friends are also more common. That’s all good – few better ways of letting someone know, “I care about you and enjoy your company.”
Deep friendships include reciprocity. Reciprocity can occur on two levels. Both ways help to maintain the health of the friendship. First, if there’s been no contact for a while, each friend takes the responsibility to reconnect. It’s true that introverted people, by definition, tend to seek out less social contact than extroverts. So one friend may be the one to call more often. But in a deep friendship, it doesn’t work for one person always to be the initiator. A strong friendship of many years can be easy to pick up after months or even a year or two without much contact, although taking even those friendships for granted is a bad idea. Newer friendships, like just-starting plants, require more maintenance and effort.
Second, in deep friendships, each takes equal responsibility to heal any rifts. One study of marital satisfaction found that the happiest couples weren’t those who argued least. But they were the best at mending fences after arguments. Each would take the initiative to reconcile quickly, and each was good at it. Friendships being less intense relationships than marriages, the rifts and mendings will happen less frequently. But they will happen.
Deep friendships are filled with gratitude. A good friend is a treasure. A really good friend is a rare gift indeed. Each party to such a friendship knows he or she is blessed. Each person is so glad the other’s in his or her life. They express this gratitude, directly or indirectly. It’s a mutual admiration society in the best possible way. It’s one of God’s greatest gifts in this life.
