To be taken “as is” is an essential ingredient of counseling. Carl Rogers was a therapist known for his theory that “unconditional positive regard” is the basis of good therapy. He actually saw it as the only necessary ingredient, which isn’t so. But it is an essential one. Obviously, Christ-centered therapy offers a rock-solid basis for this emphasis. Such counselors can pass on the unconditional love that they themselves have received.
With clients new to therapy, I sketch briefly what counseling involves. I tell them that the counselor is someone who has had substantial training in counseling. He or she has helped many people work through situations that are roughly similar to the present client’s difficulties. He or she an offer an objective view, not being emotionally involved in the situation. Most important, the counselor provides a safe place to process emotional issues in a confidential environment where the client won’t feel judged. That is, the counselor’s job is to take the client “as is”.
Most clients come to me because they want to be there. They’re in distress, and they want to look at and face their issues or some complex situation. They are generally likable, sincere, motivated people. So, in many ways, taking them “as is” easy. Still, because I want to help, and I’ve had training, and I’ve probably seen similar situations, I have to resist jumping in and “fixing” the client. Taking him or her “as is” requires that I first listen. The listening is reflective and active, to make sure I’m capturing what the client is saying. Capturing the client’s emotion is particularly important.”So it sounds like things have improved a lot between you and your Dad. But there’s still some hurts from the past you need to resolve.” “So your son’s a good kid over all, but you’re disappointed that he’s not more disciplined about his schoolwork.” “So you know that God’s forgiven you for some of the sexual stuff you did, but you’re having a hard time forgiving yourself.”
If the client’s never been in therapy before, it may be his or her first experience of introspection and processing emotions. I need to take this “as is”, too. My first impulse is to heap insight upon insight. But this can overwhelm the client. It’s like giving a huge, rich meal to someone who hasn’t eaten for weeks. It’s best to focus on one issue at a time. Then the client has time to work on and assimilate one thing before moving on to the next one. For clients from traumatic backgrounds, for example, the first item on the agenda is to help him or her gain a basic sense of personal safety: if the client is constantly on the edge of panic, nothing else I offer will do any good.
Accepting clients “as is” often means “normalizing” their experience. Frequently clients come from backgrounds where emotions were minimized or not talked about. To let clients know that their emotional reaction is normal and expected, given the situation, can be a profound relief to them. One client tended to see virtually all of his emotional reactions as “stupid”, having had that lie hammered into him throughout his childhood. Given his highly traumatic background, it was a relief for him to hear, “What you’re feeling is a normal, healthy reaction to an abnormal, unhealthy situation.”
Sometimes the work is to help clients accept themselves “as is”. This may involve helping them feel their feelings by, in a sense, feeling their feelings for them. I’ve found myself getting teared up when a client tells of her grief over a great loss. It’s a natural reaction, but it ends up giving her permission to cry, too. Or I may express anger about the client’s abuse, and this helps him get in touch with long-buried rage.
The “as is” acceptance is of who the client is, not necessarily of what the client is doing or has done. To love someone doesn’t mean loving all of his or her choices. But being accepted as we are helps us become who we are called to be. This is God’s whole modus operandi. “We love, because He first loved us” (1 Jn 4:19). The power so to love has to come from Him. It is amazing and inspiring to see how clients blossom in this atmosphere of unconditional acceptance: to be taken “as is”.
