“Real Life Is Meeting” is a line from Martin Buber’s classic theological/philosophical work I and Thou. Buber, a devout Jew, distinguishes between “I-It” relationships and “I-Thou” relationships. In “I-It” relationships, I treat the other as an object, a means to an end. In “I-Thou” relationships, I treat the other as a subject – someone with his or her own aspirations, loves, hates, thoughts, feelings, and experiences. “All real living is meeting”, says Buber [emphasis mine].
Yesterday I had a disturbing experience. A friend of mine let me know that her friend’s friend (Justin) had a question. Justin wanted to know whether I did reparative or conversion therapy for people with same-sex attraction. She was pretty sure that if I responded “yes”, Justin would put me on a list of “therapists who hate gays and trans-gens”. Next, I found a post on my Facebook page, with Justin asking the question my friend had alerted me to. I asked my friend to give Justin my office number. “I’d rather build bridges than burn them. I’d be happy to talk by phone or even do lunch with him.”
Really, I strive not to hate anybody at all. I certainly don’t “hate gays and trans-gens”. From disagreeing with many aspects of the gay lifestyle to hating everyone in that lifestyle is a tremendous leap. I doubt that Justin hates, for example, all therapists who do reparative therapy, however much he disagrees with it. At least, I hope he doesn’t. But neither of us can be certain, because we haven’t met. Real life is meeting. We can’t know someone we haven’t met. And given the complexity and depth of any person, getting to know someone well requires many meetings. The person I haven’t met tends to be an “It”, not a “Thou”.
If Justin and I talk, or better still, meet face to face, there’s a fair chance we’ll like each other. I haven’t locked him into “It” status, and I hope that he hasn’t done that to me, either. It’s very unlikely we’ll change each other’s opinions, but we may come to understand each other better. To “agree to disagree” really could happen on a meaningful level.
A few months ago, Mary and I went to a presentation by a local group. It presented itself as promoting dialogue about how Catholics could welcome gay people into their parishes. Unfortunately, the presentation was misleading, strongly implying that one could be a Catholic in good standing while in a sexually active, gay relationship. I presented the Church’s teaching at the open mike, while acknowledging the sore need for the Church to reach out to those with same-sex attraction. One of the presenting couples, parents of a gay man, told me they’d like to continue that discussion over lunch some time. We did.
I was nervous about meeting them for lunch, as perhaps they were. None of us knew what to expect, and I don’t care much for conflict. We didn’t change each other’s minds, but there was a bit of mending fences. They love their son greatly, and they don’t see how they can truly love him without supporting his love for his partner, too. I agree, of course, with their loving their son. For reasons I’ve given in other posts, I don’t agree that endorsing his gay partnership is the best way to love him. I did wholeheartedly resonate with their frustration at the lack of support and guidance they found from the local Church in addressing their pain. We parted with hugs. I asked them to pray for me and promised my prayers for them. If we were ever “Its” to one another, I don’t think we are now.
Northern Ireland is well-known for the abiding hostility between Protestants and Catholics, dating back to the 17th century. Of the many attempts at reconciliation, very few have succeeded. Two ventures that have are the Irish Children’s Fund and the Children’s Project Northern Ireland, both begun in the 1980s. Each brings together Protestant and Catholic children ages 11-15 in weekend activities and summer camps. This brings them out of their respective Protestant or Catholic “bubbles” into face-to-face contact and shared, enjoyable activities. Real life is meeting. Prejudices are broken down or at least eroded. The “It” starts to become a “Thou”. Granted, it’s a drop in the bucket of still-intense hatred between the sectors. Granted, that the parents even allow their children to participate implies some degree of initial openness. But it’s a step.
Our nation has an ever-increasing, seemingly limitless number of “bubbles”. We tend to make “Its” of those not in our bubble. What we know about the other bubbles largely depends on the media, and as most Americans agree, the media is deeply biased. Growing up in Chicago, for example, it was far too easy to make it through senior year high school meeting few Protestants and no Jewish people. To this day, I can count on one hand the number of Muslims I’ve met, or Middle Easterners of any sort. An acquaintance from Nebraska City noted how everybody he knew growing up was Christian. It took working on the East and West coasts for him to meet agnostics and atheists. In my graduate program in psychology, I was the intruder in the secular bubble of political correctness. Few there had ever met an educated, committed Christian.
I regret to say that I have had virtually no sustained conversations with a homeless person. I have one friend in prison. Through a friend who works with them, I have had one conversation with an African-American ex-gang-member. Aside from several clients and a number of my siblings, I have few liberal Democrat acquaintances. Overwhelmingly, I move in circles of conservative and often devout Christians. My window into the other bubbles is mainly the distorted lens of the media. That makes me very liable to “I-Itting” those unlike me.
Pope Francis rightly castigates many of us Catholics for being too inward-looking. The anemic Western Church is far too focused on maintenance rather than mission. We are much more like cliques than like field hospitals. Jesus Christ emphatically commands us to break out of our bubbles. “Go, make disciples of all nations!” (Mt 28:19). St. Paul tells us that in the Church as it should be – and outside of the First World, often is – “There is no longer Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and free; but Christ is all and in all.” (Col 3:11) I, you, we need to get out into the world, transforming the Its into the Thous, building instead of burning bridges. Real life is meeting.
